When we get a better look at exoplanets, here are some of the
life-forms we may find:
The Spiroplatnapi of
Gliese 667 c
This artist's conception depicts the kind of intelligent
life-form that may inhabit one of three "super-Earth" planets
circling the red M dwarf star Gliese 667
c. Here we see a spirosplatnapus, a giant fishlike creature evolved to
ply a planetary sea consisting of a soupy, aromatic hydrocarbon stew that to a
human taste bud would suggest a hint of nectarine yogurt overlaying a base of
heavy crankcase oil. It and the organism resembling a tar ball attached to what
seems to be its head represent two of the species's 137 genders.
In order to procreate, all 137 spiroplatnapus sexes must
copulate simultaneously in one coordinated 20-hour insemination frenzy in
correct sequence via each gender's numerous and specifically evolved orifices,
phalli and glands. Although all genders are fertile and, once impregnated, can
produce offspring, the complex arrangements necessary to meet, date, match and
mate have precluded successful procreation among the members of this busy,
pragmatic species. The one time when all genders managed to coordinate a
somewhat unruly ménage à 137 and reach the foreplay stage, the
17-clawed, 100-meter-long Gender 67 spiroplatnapus released its thorny sucker
pincers, reared back and, with its 27,000 compound eyes tearing up, revealed it
was unable to live a lie, confessing that it was only responsive to love that
could be returned by other Gender 67s.
In its entire history, reproduction has been accomplished
exactly zero times, and the only thing preventing extinction so far is the
organism's multi-Earth-century life span. Scientists think only with the
technological development of some kind of online speed-dating system that the
species could shorten the arduous dating/courting/mating process to less than
an Earth decade. But prospects remain dim—as most of the Gliesian
spirosplatnapus genders agree, it's just so hard to meet anyone from Gender 122
that isn't a total creep.
Flora and Fauna of the Firmament is a satirical collaboration featuring illustrations by Ken Silber and descriptions by Michael Battaglia. Cross-posted at Quicksilber and Beige Matter.
